I met the friendliest cop last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i dont even know how to be here
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
