guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
