I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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