he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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