Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
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Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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