tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
