I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
