Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
