cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
