the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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