I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
