Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
