you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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