My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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