I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
