My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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