Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
