Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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