We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
