I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
