My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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