Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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