Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
