My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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