fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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