A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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