You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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