in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
