I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
