we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
