dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize