I wish I could teleport
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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