walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
