if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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