whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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