Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
