you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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