not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
