Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
