??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
