Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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