I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
