I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just cut my nipple shaving
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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