i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
