when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
