obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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