There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
