The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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