never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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