she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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