I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
