My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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