you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize