Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
