Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So many bounce houses so little time
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
