I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
