I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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